“Apart from the last minute wedding in Vegas, Alex has never been married,” the narrator claimed, giving new meaning to the word “never”.

He stated Reid was “born to be a fighter” – ignoring the fact that, of his 18 fights, he has only won eight.

Price and Reid were very proud that they had not sold their wedding in grubby magazine deal – oblivious to the concept that for people watching at home this was just normal.

“Her first wedding (to Peter Andre),” her mum boasted, “Katie WAS involved in it. But this is more personal.”

Hence the fact it was on ITV2.

The highlight was Reid writing the wedding invites. “D-o-n-n-e-r?!” screeched Price, realising her husband thought their friend Donna was named after a kebab.

“How’s married life ?” Carr grilled them mercilessly.

Reid frowned, as he tends to at most questions.

“We’ve been together a year,” he pondered. “But I feel like it’s been a lot longer because of all the crap that’s happened to us.”

Yeah it’s a hard life. Look up ‘suffering’ in the dictionary and there’s a picture of Jordan and her non-entity dullard husband.

For their anniversary, they’re got married, not in any way for the publicity.

“I think people will be quite surprised,” droned Price, declaring with the gravity of someone declaring peace in the Middle East, “we haven’t done a magazine deal.”

“But it IS on ITV,” Carr mentioned churlishly. “Are ITV paying for it ?”

“Well what do you think ?!” Price snarled. Well it’s only a wedding.

Reid told Katie he wanted a fairytale ceremony.

“I’m the knight in shining armour and Kate’s the damsel in distress.”

The great author’s response ?

“What’s a damsel ?”

Katie Price’s new single, “Free to Love Again,” has been unleashed upon the world.

It’s a record only Heidi Montag could love … or produce something worse than.

Seriously, it’s as bad as you’d think, and the cover art is equally dreadful.

Is that the result of Botox? Airbrushing? Too much makeup? We may never know.

But we do know this for sure: If you listen here to her new song, you’ll LOL.

FREE TO LOVE AGAIN: Katie Price is ready to love again … or something. Is her new single a reference to moving on from Peter Andre with Alex Reid? Does anyone care?

And so it came to pass that Alex Reid won Celebrity Big Brother and was finally crowned a bona fide celebrity in his own right. Wow – as he would say. Wow! (Wow!)

No one can say he doesn’t deserve it. He does have to listen to Jordan all day.

His efforts to be the first D-list celebrity to be converted to Christianity on a reality TV show were also commendable.

We can cling to the hope Jordan is secretly hurting from his victory but the truth is she will put the price up for their next loathsome, tawdry enterprise.

On the other hand, it was worth it to see Vinnie Jones come to terms with losing. “That’s disgusting!” he raged, when told he had to suffer the indignity of half an hour in the house with the two “mini Vinnies” who had beaten him.

“You know what Al, to be honest, you’d have expected it to be you,” Vinnie told Alex when Stephanie got voted out.

The reality is Reid is an oaf – an orange, muscle-bound simpleton who has absorbed Jordan’s absurd habit of talking in the third person.

Who is Alex Reid?” he mused to Big Brother. “Alex Reid is a man on a mission, he’s inspired.” He’s thick.

When Jonas confided about growing up with Tourettes,

Reid asked: “Were you dropped as a child?” After Davina quizzed him on Stephen ­Baldwin’s Bible sermon, he said:”I’m interested in ancient history.”

The idea that we will be seeing a lot more of Mr Reid can only fill us with despair.